I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
