my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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