I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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