I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
