??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
