I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You need a sexual gate keeper
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
