u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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