apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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