I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
