They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
