last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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