1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
