He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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