So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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