Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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