Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
