Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
