he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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