oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
