but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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