Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
