You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
