When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
