This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
