The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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