Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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