Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
