i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
