i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
