I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
