More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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