I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
