She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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