I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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