I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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