my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
