I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
