I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
