Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
