Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize