I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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