I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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