i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
