The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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