haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
