hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize