Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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