What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
