I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
