note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
