i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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