he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
