My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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