Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize