I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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