I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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