When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
