so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
