there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
